Ghosting
Where does a relationship begin?
From conversation.
Just conversation.
Whether it is the relationship between a servant and his Lord, or between two people.
Think about the conversation of Prophet Musa <a,s>, peace be upon him, on Mount Tur, standing before the Lord of all creation.
What is in your hand, O Musa?
That question could have been answered in a single word. A staff. Done. But Musa, peace be upon him, stretched the conversation. So it would keep going. So the connection would grow. Deepen.
That conversation was not just an answer to a question. It was living the relationship.
Now ask yourself honestly.
What do you do?
Someone talks to you. Gives you their time. Dedicates a piece of their life to you. Answers your questions. Sometimes shares things they have never told anyone else.
And then you disappear.
No reply. No reason. Just silence.
In English, they call it ghosting.
And the moment people hear that word, they think it only happens in romantic relationships. No. It happens in friendships. In families. At work. Everywhere.
I have done this myself once. Without thinking. I just stopped replying. Months later, when it hit me, I realized how much quiet pain I had caused that person. They never asked me about it either. Maybe they already knew no answer was coming.
Parveen Shakir said it beautifully.
He left without meeting my eyes
He never even told me why he went
He left the way a morning breeze passes through
Without even letting me feel it
It feels as though he will walk back in any moment
He left without putting out the candle
He left without putting out the candle.
Meaning he never killed the hope. Never made it clear that it was over. He just left things hanging. And the other person sat there. Waiting. Looking for an answer. Blaming themselves.
That is what ghosting does.
But this silence is never new.
Somewhere, at some point, someone did this to you too.
There was someone. Maybe one of your parents. Maybe a friend. Maybe someone else. Who was present in your life but never really there. Who disappeared when you needed them.
And they taught you, without ever saying a word, that relationships mean pain. That getting close means getting hurt. That trusting someone means breaking apart.
And you learned it. The way children learn everything. Without thinking. Without understanding.
Disappear before they do. So you never have to feel the pain.
That was your defense. It made sense at the time. But that time has passed. That defense is no longer protecting you. It is making you lonely.
There are usually two things behind ghosting.
One. The fear of getting close.
The moment a connection starts to form, they run. No fight, no reason, just suddenly gone. These people want closeness too, but when it actually starts to happen, something inside gets scared.
Two. The fear of being rejected.
I will leave before they leave me. At least that way I will not have to hear the word no.
That logic makes sense. But that logic is making you lonely.
There is something that needs to be said here, and said plainly.
What happened to you was not your fault.
Whoever taught you that relationships bring pain, they were the one to blame, not you. You only learned what you were taught.
But what you are doing today is your responsibility.
Because you are an adult now. You can understand. You can choose differently.
And now the part that nobody really says out loud.
Ghosting does not just happen with one person. It is a pattern.
The way you behave in one situation is the way you behave in every situation.
Where you disappear from one place, you disappear from others too. In friendships. At home. At work.
You are not there for the people closest to you when they need you.
Honestly. I have seen people like this. Good people. Pure-hearted people. But every time something difficult came up, every time someone needed them, they were somehow gone. Did not pick up the phone. Did not show up. Found some reason afterward. But what passed, passed. That moment never came back.
And neither did that relationship.
And a relationship that is not there when it matters quietly fades away. Conversation slows down. Then stops. The bond breaks.
People chalk it up to fate.
But it is the habit of ghosting, repeating itself over and over again.
So what do you do?
Start by asking yourself honestly, do I do this? Do I disappear?
That is not an easy question. But it is a necessary one.
If you need to step away from a relationship, step away with honesty. You do not have to explain everything. Just saying I am not in a place to be available right now is enough. That is one moment of discomfort. Ghosting is months of it.
And that fear sitting inside you, identify it. Give it a name. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of getting too close? Until you name it, it will keep running your life without you even realizing it.
One last thing.
Ghosting is a habit. A learned behavior. And what can be learned can be unlearned.
But before you can change it, you have to admit it.
When habits change, relationships change. When relationships change, life changes.
And when life changes, people call it fate.
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